There's no place like home...

I don't want to get into what happened while I was out of town.  Let's just say that Wizard of Oz was in my mind even more that weekend.  I keep wishing that I could just click my heels together and repeat, "There's no place like home" three times.  Well, I did the second part.  Oh well, live and learn.

What a difference a week makes.  I cannot begin to tell you how much happier I am within the past week.  It has seriously been an amazing change.  Seriously, I'm thrilled.  Things seem so much better when you're not sad all the time.  It's a nice change.

We have the day off on Friday.  I cannot wait!  I'm going to spend the day with my nephews and it's going to be so much fun.  I think S is going to take a half day.  Maybe we can go to the movies or something fun.  J has been so funny lately.  Mom got her hair cut and highlighted and she got new glasses.  The other day at church, he said, "You look like a new grandma!"  What a goof.  I can't believe he's going to be 4 in August.  Yes, we still have a while, but it's so weird.  I also can't believe that right after that, I'll turn 23 and then right after that, C will be 1.  Holy crap.  Time sure does fly.  This month is 11 months.  It still hurts like it was yesterday. 

I am so excited about this summer.  I have lead roles in two GREAT shows.  I can't believe it!  Guys and Dolls wasn't an enormous surprise, but Little Women...you couldn't have shocked me more if you had told me that Gene Simmons announced that he was going to spend the rest of his days spreading the Gospel.  By the way, I watched a couple episodes of his show...it's pretty good.  His kids are surprisingly normal.  I found it entertaining.  Anyway, it was a complete shock when the director called me.  So, I'll be playing Sarah in Guys and Dolls, and Meg in Little Women.  The shows will be right on top of eachother, which means I'll be in rehearsal or in a show from the 17 of this month, until July 29th.  Ahh!

Apparently, today is "Dont' go to work unless it's fun day" and "Tweed Day".  Who knew?  When is National Pirate Day?  I can't remember.  I think that would be a fun day to recognize at work.  Everyone has to wear an eye patch and a hook for a hand.  We'd probably have a difficult time with our keyboards though.  I think I'll Google it. 

*sigh*  I wish it were Thursday.  I'm still happy though. 

Chicago...

Given up...

I'm done.  Seriously...ya know when you do something that's completely physically draining and at the end you're just entirely spent?  That's how I feel...except it's an emotional, spiritual thing...and there's no sense of accomplishment at the end...only dissapointment.  I just cannot do this anymore.  I'm tired...I'm so freaking tired.  I keep thinking that I just have to wait and things will get better.  Every time I think they are starting to, something awful happens.  It's like I've been stabbed and left for dead...I'm completely hopeless and lying in a gutter, thinking that everything is over.  I'm cold, wet (because it's raining, of course) and in a ton of pain.  I've lost all hope and I'm alone with my thoughts.  Finally someone (this is a figurative someone) comes along and finds me.  They see that I'm hurting and grab my hand to begin pulling me out.  My hope comes back.  I'm saved.  God sent this angel to save me...he saw that I was hurting and lost.  Then, this 'savior' gets a queer smile and pulls out yet another knife, stabs me in the back, and throws me back into the pit I thought I was being rescued from.  This continues to happen over and over and over...yet I'm never able to find that sweet release of...well death. 

It's been eating away at my brain.  I can't seem to escape it, no matter how hard I try.  I received an email a couple of days ago and that night it was followed by a terrible nightmare.  Then, of course, the next morning memories come flooding back.  Last night, I had one moment (close to five whole minutes) where I was actually excited about things...I thought maybe things were turning around...then I received a text message from a friend.  I took it as a real slap in the face.  It was being rubbed in my face...and then I was promptly told to get over it.  Wow, thanks.  You're really helping me to do that.  And WHY, might I ask, did you feel the need to tell me these things?  WHY!?  I think God might just hate me.  I'm drowning and there is nothing in sight for miles.  I don't understand it.  I'm beginning to doubt my faith.  I know that God has a plan for me.  I know that everything will be alright in the end...but I don't feel it, which makes me wonder if I really do believe that He has a plan for me.  I think I believe that He has a plan for everyone else...but I'm not good enough for a plan.  Maybe I ended up being the runt of the group and I was tossed aside.  No...I know God is in control.  I just don't know if I can wait for Him to fix things.  I keep waiting...waiting for guidance...waiting for peace...waiting for comfort...waiting for who knows what else to come along.  Please, Jesus...rescue me from the pit I'm in.  Only You can save me.

Rehearsal was canceled tonight.  That is an extremely scary thought.  We open on Friday and are not even close to being ready.  There are women that still don't know their lines and I'm still lacking a costume for Act II, scene I.  AHHHH!  Mom and I watched The Family Stone.  This movie caused some major uncomfortable feelings.  It was really hard to sit through.  On the other hand, there were some really moving scenes that made me miss things past.

So, I'm actually ok with where I am right now.  That scares me a little.  I am afraid I'm going to become comfortable and then I'm never going to get anywhere.  I am expecting a lot to happen this year and I plan on being really busy until at least October.  Then, the thought crosses my mind...what if it doesn't?  What if I'm not busy?  What if all the things I am expecting to happen, don't?  That's just satan sneaking up on me.  I know.  But part of me things that they are legitimate questions.  I don't know.  I realize I just have to keep praying and ask Go to guide me in the direction that He wants me to go.  I can be content knowing that I am in the center of His will...it's just a matter of finding that perfect will. 

God has given me so many opportunities lately.  I am so grateful for that.  He is so good to me.  I pray that He would continue to open doors and continue guiding my path.  I pray that He would give me strength and comfort, grace, joy, and a peace that passes all understanding. 

I also pray that God would be with you in all that you do today.  I pray that whatever your circumstances, you would be able to remember that God has a plan for you and that He has everything under control.  I pray that He gives you joy.  You are precious to God and you are precious to me.